The discussion began with a question of what “normal” is in the sense of being able to have a healthy relationship with a person. We were talking about loving and being loved and the things inside us that prevent us from loving and accepting being loved. We entered into the pros and cons of being alone vs. being in a relationship and how strange it can feel when your friends have relationships and you don’t. Eventually, an argument arose that childhood events and Life itself shape us into individual persons with certain deficiencies in the areas of loving and being loved, upon which “experts” were quoted, categorizing people into groups with this or that hang-up. At that point, I felt I had to mention that I don't accept being categorized by anyone except myself. And since I’m no expert, I don't usually categorize myself.
But regardless of what the “experts” may say about being alone vs. being in a relationship, or about loving and being loved, there’s one thing I know for sure about myself: I don’t love as much as I probably could and I don’t expect to be loved as much as I probably should. Because here's the thing: I’ve always seen myself as detached, ever since I was a little girl writing stories in what the teacher had just explained as the omniscient point of view. By writing in the third person, you get to stay on the outside of things and see everything from all sides. From the moment I knew how to do that, I found that I liked living life in that way too... alone, on the outside looking in, and I secretly longed for a partner who could live that way with me... a partner with a capital P.
When you have a relationship where loving and being loved are constantly in competition, you often experience things like hurt, remorse, doubt and self-doubt, suspicion, anguish, self-pity, jealousy, etc., etc. But a partnership is always equal. You’re either partners, or you’re not. Inside the partnership, of course you love and you are loved, but it’s on a less emotional level. This doesn’t mean it’s not exciting or passionate - it’s very exciting and extremely passionate. The difference is that you can go in and out of those states as you will, without hurting your partner’s feelings because s/he is on the same wavelength so to speak.
In loving relationships with family and friends, I also prefer to keep a distance. I guess it sounds cold, selfish, maybe even cowardly, but I like the fact that we all live separate lives and when we come together, it’s to enjoy the moment. We can be as close as we want in the moment we connect, but there’s always the moment we each return to our own day-to-day, wishing each other well as we take our leave and looking forward to the next time.
With my kids, it’s an interesting situation. I’ve never been the most loving of mothers in the traditional sense, for the reasons I just explained, and I guess time will tell whether this was a good or a bad thing (if you can narrow it down to that). It seems to me now that we’re all kind of detached when it comes to showing emotion, i.e. love. Yet, we know how to make a moment meaningful. And we're not afraid to express ourselves with an intense hug and a special look, when that's how we feel...
The end of the discussion was about the evolution of a loving relationship, i.e. how respect and the golden rule fit into it, and finally the question came up of whether I would ever ‘find someone else’. Well, all I can say is: I’m not looking for a relationship. That doesn’t mean I wouldn’t be into living with a partner again, but not if I have to go looking for it. On the other hand, if someone completely sweeps me off my feet by proposing my kind of partnership, I’ll let you know.
