So the thing is, I'm not sure what I want to do. You know what I'm talking about, don't you? One minute you're driving along, steering your life with cool intelligence, and the next, you find yourself stopped completely, idling at the fork in the road, unable to decide, and suddenly you're all mixed up.
I hate that - not being able to decide. What I like is when the decision is easy to make, so that it doesn't feel like a decision is being made at all. When it's like that, I feel powerful, victorious, enlightened with the sense of who I am. But when I can't decide, when no alternative beckons to me, or when those tedious side issues appear, distracting me and interfering with the decision process, then I go into escape mode. I stop thinking about it altogether, find a place where I can curl up and read, go for a walk or get into bed, or do any other activity where I can be alone and not think.
At some point, I inevitably decide on one of the paths open to me, either by process of elimination, or by circumstances dictating, or by someone else's agenda colliding with and changing the course of mine, or because what I really want to do in terms of the alternatives available finally becomes visible and viable to me. At that point, however, the sense of victory is reduced to a sigh of relief.
So here I am, standing at the fork in the road, that place of not being sure what I want to do. I'm in escape mode at the moment, though blogging about it can at least be seen as a constructive escape as opposed to getting into bed and watching a movie. And I've already decided one thing - and that's to give it a bit more time... I feel pretty sure that as soon as I post this, I'll know what I want to do... blogging does that for me.
