So there I was, wanting to organize a family reunion on zoom. My sibs thought it would be chaotic but I was so enthusiastic, sure it would work. At first I was going to invite eeeeeverybody on both sides of the family - as they all know each other to some extent. But I realized right away that there would need to be two separate reunions. That would make it more manageable. And in both cases, my plan was to have an agenda - calling on different people to talk about specific things that were new with them.
So I sent out the two ideas - each to their respective recipients. One of the reunions would have about 20 people, the other, at least 30 if everyone came. I got back lots of positive responses and cousins saying YES! This will be great! And my spirits soared, though it seemed I had to rectify things daily - email addresses that were no longer valid, times for the meetings, answer individual questions, and finally, arrange and send out the actual invitations - while my wifi was continually on the blink.
But the day finally came - two meetings on the same day with about 90 min between the two. As it turned out, they were both well attended. But here's the thing: I asked at the beginning if it was okay to record and everyone said yes. And yet, when I played back the two recordings, I saw how HORRIBLE I was as the leader. I wanted to prove we could do it in an orderly fashion so I "led" by topic and person, what people would talk about, and that was a mistake. Maybe they wanted to talk about other things. Luckily, several times people went off on their own tangent, asking others different questions and bringing out their own ideas and it was great because it led other people into the conversation. But when there was a lull, I went right back to asking questions to specific people and I didn't make sure everyone got to participate even in that limited way! I didn't really notice at the time, but of course, by having the recordings in my power, I got the chance to see it all again and see ALL the many ways I failed as a leader.
So now I have to write a letter of general apology but I'm not sure that saying I'm sorry will be enough. When someone ignores your presence, do you get over it easy? Do you understand when they tell you they're sorry, they just got flustered and they were nervous and they were subconsciously hoping you would just butt in and make your presence known because they were too preoccupied with keeping the pace going to see they were ignoring you? That's how it was with me. Now I am eating myself up over this, wondering if there's some darker reason for my leaving these people out... At the time, I barely noticed it... I just thought they were content to watch but not participate... but now I realize I should have drawn them in so they would have at least had a chance to participate if they wanted to but weren't bold enough to do it on their own, and I can't stop feeling terrible that I didn't do that. I guess that's why I'm blogging about it...
So, what have I learned from this? That if there's a next time, I'll just ask someone else to start it by asking questions they want to ask and then pass the baton to another and so let everyone speak about whatever they want to talk about/ask about... and for sure, start with the ones who weren't specifically called on to speak in the last meeting. Yes, I have learned that much.
In the end, saying I'm sorry won't necessarily make it better, but hopefully we can have a chance to do it again and do it better the next time. Could that be a starting point to look forward to?
