... I'm not doing things in order. I seem to have a HUGE problem with getting my own bedroom in order, much less the study! HOWEVER, and thanks to helping hands from my kids and others, some things have gotten done that immensely improve the house. For example, I bought 4 new planter pots and Anto transplanted the large plants that were choking in their too-small pots; they look like they feel much better in their new homes.
The kitchen is coming along with its scrubbed and shining appliances and new dishrack. We ordered a really neat comfortable-as-anything LR set that will be ready to be picked up in about 6 weeks, during which time Carm thinks she can organize a painting party so that the whole downstairs area will be ready for new furniture (in the hopes that after the LR, we'll be able to do the DR).
I cleaned out the utility area, and the guys took all the stuff to be recycled or trashed. Then they re-roofed the outside storeroom and cleaned it out, making the space usable for bikes, garden equipment, etc.
Meanwhile, back to my task for today... MY OWN BEDROOM. I think if I can just get that done, I'll be able to move on to the study.
Sunday, January 26, 2014
Sunday, January 5, 2014
2014 - Will I blog more than twice this year?
Well, it wasn't one of my New Year's Resolutions to blog more, but considering what my only NY Resolution is, blogging just might make it more doable. Because my resolution is to make this year The Year of the House; that's right, a colossal home-improvement project. Daunting! Just contemplating the scope of It makes me feel like I need a cigarette, and I don't smoke anymore... As for the glass of wine I'm drinking, it's doing nothing to stop the terror of the mere IDEA of it. After all, I am only one person...
But wait! I am one person and I can do what I can do! OPTIMISM TO THE RESCUE!
According to Lu, my son, you can totally fix up your house if you take it a room at a time. One week per room. In one week, you can clean out the junk, paint the walls, and rearrange / complement your furniture, or can you? In my case, maybe not. But 2 weeks sounds feasible! On a 2-week-per-room schedule it will take 28 weeks to fix up the inside of the house, plus another 8 weeks for the outside (facade, patios, garden, garage), coming to a grand total of 36 weeks - 9 months, the time span from conception to birth.
How appropriate! How symbolic! But just in case, let's even give it another 10 weeks for unexpected setbacks. Let's say that my home-improvement project will be a done deal by Guadalupe Day (Dec. 12th), 2014. Can I live with that deadline? I'll tell you in 2 weeks, after the first room is done... or not.
Assuming that I am indeed going to do this, I would say that the room most urgently in need of improvement would be the downstairs bathroom. It's just got to go. However, in view of the fact that this is January, the month when money is at its scarcest, and in the belief that hurdles are best surmounted if you start with the easiest, it might be better all the way around if I let the first room be the study, which would only involve cleaning out the junk, rearranging the furniture, cleaning and painting the walls, ceiling, and window frame. I should be able to do that in 2 weeks with minimum cost, right? Wish me luck!
But wait! I am one person and I can do what I can do! OPTIMISM TO THE RESCUE!
According to Lu, my son, you can totally fix up your house if you take it a room at a time. One week per room. In one week, you can clean out the junk, paint the walls, and rearrange / complement your furniture, or can you? In my case, maybe not. But 2 weeks sounds feasible! On a 2-week-per-room schedule it will take 28 weeks to fix up the inside of the house, plus another 8 weeks for the outside (facade, patios, garden, garage), coming to a grand total of 36 weeks - 9 months, the time span from conception to birth.
How appropriate! How symbolic! But just in case, let's even give it another 10 weeks for unexpected setbacks. Let's say that my home-improvement project will be a done deal by Guadalupe Day (Dec. 12th), 2014. Can I live with that deadline? I'll tell you in 2 weeks, after the first room is done... or not.
Assuming that I am indeed going to do this, I would say that the room most urgently in need of improvement would be the downstairs bathroom. It's just got to go. However, in view of the fact that this is January, the month when money is at its scarcest, and in the belief that hurdles are best surmounted if you start with the easiest, it might be better all the way around if I let the first room be the study, which would only involve cleaning out the junk, rearranging the furniture, cleaning and painting the walls, ceiling, and window frame. I should be able to do that in 2 weeks with minimum cost, right? Wish me luck!
Saturday, June 15, 2013
Midnight Shake-Up or the Earth Rocks!
Visiting friends in Mexico City, I got to experience one of those moments where you find yourself at the fork in the road on a cosmic level. It's been awhile since I've felt the earth move under my feet so to speak, although, as it happened, I was in bed at the time, just having drifted off to sleep... it was a real shaker, the earthquake I mean. The walls shuddered, the floor rumbled, the atmosphere spun with energy. Inside I was reeling with all the movement, wondering if I should get up, wondering if a pillow over my head would protect me, trying to feel one with the phenomenon and totally in awe of the forces involved.
When it was over, I wasn't sure what to do. Manuel got up and went to check things in the apt., making sure there were no gas leaks, checking the electricity connections, phoning... I stayed in my allotted room, listening and feeling each subtle shift in the return to stability. And then I fell asleep.
This morning it's lovely outside, streets washed clean after yesterday's rain, birds chirping their daily songs, a peaceful Sunday morning. Beautiful! Amazing! I'm feeling deeply grateful and happy to be here, on this new day, Father's Day in fact! Happy Father's Day to my Dad, and to all dads.
When it was over, I wasn't sure what to do. Manuel got up and went to check things in the apt., making sure there were no gas leaks, checking the electricity connections, phoning... I stayed in my allotted room, listening and feeling each subtle shift in the return to stability. And then I fell asleep.
This morning it's lovely outside, streets washed clean after yesterday's rain, birds chirping their daily songs, a peaceful Sunday morning. Beautiful! Amazing! I'm feeling deeply grateful and happy to be here, on this new day, Father's Day in fact! Happy Father's Day to my Dad, and to all dads.
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
New Year's Day 2013 - what are those birds singing about, I wonder?
2013 begins today. I woke up and it was just getting light, but I knew right away... this is the first day of the new year. I didn't make any resolutions, but the birds outside my window are sure chattering away and singing about something! I wonder if birds feel the difference... their songs certainly seem joyous today!
I watched this little year-in-review video and was disappointed. It started okay, but then the images flashed by so fast, it was impossible to discern the event, the person, or what any of it might mean. I look back on my year and see that there was a lot to it. I mean, a lot of firsts, a lot of changes, a lot of learning, a lot of doing... I like that. That's what I hope this year will be like too.
I was thinking about the why of it all last night. Seated on the couch in my living room, I can look out on the horizon of the small town below, and several others beyond and see some of the most gorgeous sky-illuminators you could wish for. So as the first minutes of 2013 ticked by, I watched and crocheted in between the big colorful ones, and thought about my non-reflections and what makes people go so crazy about celebrating the new year. It doesn't matter which new year, in terms of culture or calendar; whatever your affiliations are, the idea of a new year is something special - even sacred. Yet, it's just a moment passing! From one moment to another, it's suddenly something completely new! I had to make myself go over it very carefully, until the real sense of the why of it made real sense to me! We are marking time, trying to hold onto it, trying to measure ourselves and track our 'progress' by putting time into 365-day categories that we can look back on and look forward to... we are keeping our history in order and it's totally understandable, even impressive! There are lots of theories and beliefs as to how it got thought up in the first place, and each one is remarkable in itself.
And on a personal level, I feel happy remembering how we spent NYE; it was one of the nicest ones I've spent. It had a delicious homeyness that gave it the perfect NYE atmosphere.
So now, it really is 2013! Better get started and see what's going on right from the beginning. Happy New Year to all!
I watched this little year-in-review video and was disappointed. It started okay, but then the images flashed by so fast, it was impossible to discern the event, the person, or what any of it might mean. I look back on my year and see that there was a lot to it. I mean, a lot of firsts, a lot of changes, a lot of learning, a lot of doing... I like that. That's what I hope this year will be like too.
I was thinking about the why of it all last night. Seated on the couch in my living room, I can look out on the horizon of the small town below, and several others beyond and see some of the most gorgeous sky-illuminators you could wish for. So as the first minutes of 2013 ticked by, I watched and crocheted in between the big colorful ones, and thought about my non-reflections and what makes people go so crazy about celebrating the new year. It doesn't matter which new year, in terms of culture or calendar; whatever your affiliations are, the idea of a new year is something special - even sacred. Yet, it's just a moment passing! From one moment to another, it's suddenly something completely new! I had to make myself go over it very carefully, until the real sense of the why of it made real sense to me! We are marking time, trying to hold onto it, trying to measure ourselves and track our 'progress' by putting time into 365-day categories that we can look back on and look forward to... we are keeping our history in order and it's totally understandable, even impressive! There are lots of theories and beliefs as to how it got thought up in the first place, and each one is remarkable in itself.
And on a personal level, I feel happy remembering how we spent NYE; it was one of the nicest ones I've spent. It had a delicious homeyness that gave it the perfect NYE atmosphere.
So now, it really is 2013! Better get started and see what's going on right from the beginning. Happy New Year to all!
Friday, December 21, 2012
Understanding the Meaning
So I can do this two ways: find the starting point of it all and go from there, or trace it backwards going dot by dot. OR, I can just do it my own way, which is to do it both ways...
Okay, let's start with last night - not the final penny dropping into the slot, but still a good place to start. I was sitting on the couch in the dark, with a shot of tequila, my thoughts, and a pad of paper and pen. As I noted at the top of the page, I was writing down my Thoughts in the Dark - a glorified To-do list if you will.
About halfway down the page, I thought, I should blog again, and I wrote it down, and added, "think of something to blog about".
This morning I woke up super early. It's my first day of vacation and I don't quite know what to do with myself, or rather, that's how I was feeling last night, which was why I made myself a list! So I jumped out of bed, because the first thing on my list was 'coffee and computer stuff'... As I plugged in my password to one of my accounts, I was frustrated for the zillionth time that I had keyed it in wrong and had to do it again, and I thought, just change the damn password. And that's when the penny dropped. You see, the potential password I came up with to replace the complicated one I was using is in fact the title of this blog! (I'm fond of using concepts for passwords, although I intersperse them with symbols and numbers to throw any would-be hacker off the trail).
Lately, I've been seeing the meaning of a lot of things, and I've come to the conclusion that Meaning is the definition of that certain force beyond ourselves. I know this force as Good minus one of the 'o's, although 'Good' in itself works well too come to think of it! But I don't want to infringe on anyone's right to believe or not to believe, and to call what they believe in whatever name they believe is correct. What I have discovered, at any rate, is this: if you find meaning in something, then it follows logically that there's something behind that meaning. Meaning by definition can never be be meaningless! The point is, meaning is stimulated by circumstances outside ourselves; we perceive meaning and make it part of ourselves. Finding and understanding meaning gives us reasons to live.
Here's how I came to that conclusion: I was driving to work the other morning, very early as usual. It was the morning after the 3rd night of the full moon, so the moon was still going down, gigantic, full and white. As I wound around a curve, taking several quick glances out my window to marvel at the moon hanging next to the Popo volcano, I also took a second to look out the passenger side window, where lo and behold, the sun was coming up, huge, round and orange, at the exact diagonal to the moon going down. It was so breathtaking, looking out my window to the moon, and then turning my head to see the sun! And I was crossing under the arc, right at the middle, made by the symmetrically perfect synchronization of these two events. It was some trip, let me tell you!
Now I could have continued on my way, seeing what I saw as just what it was: sun coming up on one side, moon going down on the other. Simple everyday occurrence. But the way I was driving through the middle of it, able to turn right and left to see one natural phenomenon and then the other, happening at an exact diagonal to each other, at an exact ratio of rise to set... it sent a shiver down my spine and brought a lump to my throat. Tears came to my eyes. It was clear to me that what I was seeing was not just an "everyday occurrence". It was something absolutely miraculous!
And yet, it does happen every day... so that's when I finally put it all together. You see, I could have driven by a few minutes later, and seen nothing unusual, but I got to see the exact moment where the meaning was visible. I got to be part of the miracle unfolding. That's all I needed to understand about it.
Knowing it was there, and I had seen it, been part of it, and understood the meaning of it up to that point took me to the final and most important realization: There's a message in the Meaning!
Okay, let's start with last night - not the final penny dropping into the slot, but still a good place to start. I was sitting on the couch in the dark, with a shot of tequila, my thoughts, and a pad of paper and pen. As I noted at the top of the page, I was writing down my Thoughts in the Dark - a glorified To-do list if you will.
About halfway down the page, I thought, I should blog again, and I wrote it down, and added, "think of something to blog about".
This morning I woke up super early. It's my first day of vacation and I don't quite know what to do with myself, or rather, that's how I was feeling last night, which was why I made myself a list! So I jumped out of bed, because the first thing on my list was 'coffee and computer stuff'... As I plugged in my password to one of my accounts, I was frustrated for the zillionth time that I had keyed it in wrong and had to do it again, and I thought, just change the damn password. And that's when the penny dropped. You see, the potential password I came up with to replace the complicated one I was using is in fact the title of this blog! (I'm fond of using concepts for passwords, although I intersperse them with symbols and numbers to throw any would-be hacker off the trail).
Lately, I've been seeing the meaning of a lot of things, and I've come to the conclusion that Meaning is the definition of that certain force beyond ourselves. I know this force as Good minus one of the 'o's, although 'Good' in itself works well too come to think of it! But I don't want to infringe on anyone's right to believe or not to believe, and to call what they believe in whatever name they believe is correct. What I have discovered, at any rate, is this: if you find meaning in something, then it follows logically that there's something behind that meaning. Meaning by definition can never be be meaningless! The point is, meaning is stimulated by circumstances outside ourselves; we perceive meaning and make it part of ourselves. Finding and understanding meaning gives us reasons to live.
Here's how I came to that conclusion: I was driving to work the other morning, very early as usual. It was the morning after the 3rd night of the full moon, so the moon was still going down, gigantic, full and white. As I wound around a curve, taking several quick glances out my window to marvel at the moon hanging next to the Popo volcano, I also took a second to look out the passenger side window, where lo and behold, the sun was coming up, huge, round and orange, at the exact diagonal to the moon going down. It was so breathtaking, looking out my window to the moon, and then turning my head to see the sun! And I was crossing under the arc, right at the middle, made by the symmetrically perfect synchronization of these two events. It was some trip, let me tell you!
Now I could have continued on my way, seeing what I saw as just what it was: sun coming up on one side, moon going down on the other. Simple everyday occurrence. But the way I was driving through the middle of it, able to turn right and left to see one natural phenomenon and then the other, happening at an exact diagonal to each other, at an exact ratio of rise to set... it sent a shiver down my spine and brought a lump to my throat. Tears came to my eyes. It was clear to me that what I was seeing was not just an "everyday occurrence". It was something absolutely miraculous!
And yet, it does happen every day... so that's when I finally put it all together. You see, I could have driven by a few minutes later, and seen nothing unusual, but I got to see the exact moment where the meaning was visible. I got to be part of the miracle unfolding. That's all I needed to understand about it.
Knowing it was there, and I had seen it, been part of it, and understood the meaning of it up to that point took me to the final and most important realization: There's a message in the Meaning!
And the message I got was: The possibilities are limitless!
Whew! Now that's what I call a revelation!
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Heads or Tails
So the thing is, I'm not sure what I want to do. You know what I'm talking about, don't you? One minute you're driving along, steering your life with cool intelligence, and the next, you find yourself stopped completely, idling at the fork in the road, unable to decide, and suddenly you're all mixed up.
I hate that - not being able to decide. What I like is when the decision is easy to make, so that it doesn't feel like a decision is being made at all. When it's like that, I feel powerful, victorious, enlightened with the sense of who I am. But when I can't decide, when no alternative beckons to me, or when those tedious side issues appear, distracting me and interfering with the decision process, then I go into escape mode. I stop thinking about it altogether, find a place where I can curl up and read, go for a walk or get into bed, or do any other activity where I can be alone and not think.
At some point, I inevitably decide on one of the paths open to me, either by process of elimination, or by circumstances dictating, or by someone else's agenda colliding with and changing the course of mine, or because what I really want to do in terms of the alternatives available finally becomes visible and viable to me. At that point, however, the sense of victory is reduced to a sigh of relief.
So here I am, standing at the fork in the road, that place of not being sure what I want to do. I'm in escape mode at the moment, though blogging about it can at least be seen as a constructive escape as opposed to getting into bed and watching a movie. And I've already decided one thing - and that's to give it a bit more time... I feel pretty sure that as soon as I post this, I'll know what I want to do... blogging does that for me.
I hate that - not being able to decide. What I like is when the decision is easy to make, so that it doesn't feel like a decision is being made at all. When it's like that, I feel powerful, victorious, enlightened with the sense of who I am. But when I can't decide, when no alternative beckons to me, or when those tedious side issues appear, distracting me and interfering with the decision process, then I go into escape mode. I stop thinking about it altogether, find a place where I can curl up and read, go for a walk or get into bed, or do any other activity where I can be alone and not think.
At some point, I inevitably decide on one of the paths open to me, either by process of elimination, or by circumstances dictating, or by someone else's agenda colliding with and changing the course of mine, or because what I really want to do in terms of the alternatives available finally becomes visible and viable to me. At that point, however, the sense of victory is reduced to a sigh of relief.
So here I am, standing at the fork in the road, that place of not being sure what I want to do. I'm in escape mode at the moment, though blogging about it can at least be seen as a constructive escape as opposed to getting into bed and watching a movie. And I've already decided one thing - and that's to give it a bit more time... I feel pretty sure that as soon as I post this, I'll know what I want to do... blogging does that for me.
Saturday, September 29, 2012
Love and Partnership
The discussion began with a question of what “normal” is in the sense of being able to have a healthy relationship with a person. We were talking about loving and being loved and the things inside us that prevent us from loving and accepting being loved. We entered into the pros and cons of being alone vs. being in a relationship and how strange it can feel when your friends have relationships and you don’t. Eventually, an argument arose that childhood events and Life itself shape us into individual persons with certain deficiencies in the areas of loving and being loved, upon which “experts” were quoted, categorizing people into groups with this or that hang-up. At that point, I felt I had to mention that I don't accept being categorized by anyone except myself. And since I’m no expert, I don't usually categorize myself.
But regardless of what the “experts” may say about being alone vs. being in a relationship, or about loving and being loved, there’s one thing I know for sure about myself: I don’t love as much as I probably could and I don’t expect to be loved as much as I probably should. Because here's the thing: I’ve always seen myself as detached, ever since I was a little girl writing stories in what the teacher had just explained as the omniscient point of view. By writing in the third person, you get to stay on the outside of things and see everything from all sides. From the moment I knew how to do that, I found that I liked living life in that way too... alone, on the outside looking in, and I secretly longed for a partner who could live that way with me... a partner with a capital P.
When you have a relationship where loving and being loved are constantly in competition, you often experience things like hurt, remorse, doubt and self-doubt, suspicion, anguish, self-pity, jealousy, etc., etc. But a partnership is always equal. You’re either partners, or you’re not. Inside the partnership, of course you love and you are loved, but it’s on a less emotional level. This doesn’t mean it’s not exciting or passionate - it’s very exciting and extremely passionate. The difference is that you can go in and out of those states as you will, without hurting your partner’s feelings because s/he is on the same wavelength so to speak.
In loving relationships with family and friends, I also prefer to keep a distance. I guess it sounds cold, selfish, maybe even cowardly, but I like the fact that we all live separate lives and when we come together, it’s to enjoy the moment. We can be as close as we want in the moment we connect, but there’s always the moment we each return to our own day-to-day, wishing each other well as we take our leave and looking forward to the next time.
With my kids, it’s an interesting situation. I’ve never been the most loving of mothers in the traditional sense, for the reasons I just explained, and I guess time will tell whether this was a good or a bad thing (if you can narrow it down to that). It seems to me now that we’re all kind of detached when it comes to showing emotion, i.e. love. Yet, we know how to make a moment meaningful. And we're not afraid to express ourselves with an intense hug and a special look, when that's how we feel...
The end of the discussion was about the evolution of a loving relationship, i.e. how respect and the golden rule fit into it, and finally the question came up of whether I would ever ‘find someone else’. Well, all I can say is: I’m not looking for a relationship. That doesn’t mean I wouldn’t be into living with a partner again, but not if I have to go looking for it. On the other hand, if someone completely sweeps me off my feet by proposing my kind of partnership, I’ll let you know.
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