figuring things out

It doesn't matter how old I get - and I'd rather not go into too much detail about how old I'm getting! - I always seem to be STILL figuring things out. And I always have moments where I know I'm doing it all wrong, and I always have moments where I just can't see a clear course for myself.

What keeps me from taking all of that too seriously and getting depressed?

WORK for one thing! When I'm on a translation marathon, where I'm swamped with work and have impossible deadlines to meet, suddenly I'm the epitomy of organized, clear-thinking, wonder-woman actions.

Putting things in order at home is another good way to put things into perspective. I do that when the whole "what should I do?" dilemma hits. Planning, making lists, cooking, baking, these things help. They make me feel worthwhile.

Last week, I found myself abruptly tossed into a translation marathon that kept me from thinking about anything else - except work.

Since I also have a teaching job, I have to do translations during my off hours. Usually, I try to do the bulk of translations on the weekend. But in this case, they were urgent, so I had to get home from teaching and start in on translation.

Naturally, I couldn't allow myself such unfair circumstances, so I'd get home, get something to eat and watch one of the interesting newer movies that I rented just for that purpose. Then it would be time to start in on translation. In the middle of the marathon, I'd take time out for another escape into movies, watching such gems as Notorious, a Barbra Streisand special from 1993-94, and other oldies, just in 30-minute slots. At those times, I'd also pick up on a knitting project or one of three books I'm trying to finish. Then I'd go back to translating, take a sudden nap when I couldn't do that any longer, then back to translating, and so forth and so on, getting a total of 3 to 4 hours of sleep per night.

Yesterday, at 4:00 a.m. I finished with the last of the huge translations I was working on back-to-back. I had an hour to kill before I had to get ready for teaching, and it was either clean the kitchen, or snuggle back in my bed. I chose snuggling back in my bed. This time, I added a steaming cup of coffee to the formula. It was the most delightful hour! I was exhausted, so as soon as I snuggled down and had taken my first sip of coffee, I knew I wanted to sleep...

I told myself, none of that, you need to get up in an hour... and I answered myself, I'll just get really, REALLY comfortable and sleep for 15 minutes. I closed my eyes and that's exactly what happened. I awoke exactly 15 minutes later, feeling refreshed, took another sip of coffee and to my delight it was still hot! After pondering the weird dream I had just come out of, I thought, hmmm, let's do it again. My bed was so warm and comfortable you see. Once again, the 15 minute trick worked! This time my coffee was not so hot when I sat up, but it was still drinkably warm. I felt good that I had had such crazy dreams during both of those short naps and i told myself i was ready for the day, now that I'd gotten in some "quality" sleep - isn't dream-sleep supposed to be the deepest kind?

Last night I went to art class. I had come home from work a few hours earlier, feeling I was free!!!! I probably should have gone straight to bed, but I felt good and wanted to go to art class. Of course, I felt exhaustion creeping up on me once I was there, so I barely got started on my new project before throwing in the towel.
I came home and slept very well, and I woke up feeling great, but now, at the end of this first day post-translation marathon, I'm frustrated!

Why? (this is the part where I start trying to figure things out!)
Because here's the thing: Today I had this whole day - a lovely Saturday - to get lots of things done - all the things I couldn't do during the week. It was a day I could have made the most of and what did I do? I spent it doing something I'm very good at but not particularly proud of. It's called: ESCAPING!

I tell myself just relax and not be so hard on myself. I tell myself that it's understandable and I deserve a day off to do nothing. But I know I'm kidding myself. I know that I deliberately put myself into this vicious cycle. You see, that's the thing about working under pressure. You can be very good at it, but when the pressure lifts, and you're actually free, and you've got time, you suddenly find it difficult to regroup. So you kind of bungle through the hours, all the while telling yourself it's your right to "relax and enjoy doing nothing".

Well, that's not how I want it to be!

Wish me luck for tomorrow. I'm going to try to use the time much more constructively than I did today! Figuring things out usually gets you nowhere.