Stream of Mantras

I have been having the same kind of conversation over and over with different people lately.  The theme is along the lines of:  life's a bitch.  And it's true - life's a bitch.  It ain't easy sometimes - maybe even most of the time.  You make mistakes, you forget to do things, you hurt people, you get lazy and just want to blow everything off, you get stressed out and it exhausts you, you fear tomorrow, you regret yesterday, you don't want to face today, you hate yourself for all the things you do wrong, you get pissed off at others for all the things they do wrong, you go bananas over the slightest thing gone wrong, you miss opportunities, you miss people who have gone, you don't get enough sleep, you eat too much and too many of the wrong things, you can't find the energy or desire to do anything, you get depressed because you're sitting on your butt lacking the energy or desire to do anything, you need more time, more money, more love, more comprehension, and so forth, etc., etc., etc., ad nauseum, ON AND ON beyond infinity!  OKAY!  So it's true!  But so what?

We're alive aren't we?  If life's a bitch, it's also gotta be a pretty awesome bitch.  You can't have the bad without the good, remember?  It's all part of the package. 

So I've been having these conversations with people and inevitably, I think of my mantra stream.  I didn't start out thinking of it like mantra stream; in fact, I just now put a name to it after having had my umpteenth conversation of this sort.  I have tried to explain the other side of "life's a bitch" a million times but evidently the words I use sound too pat, too hollow to the person I'm explaining them to, but what no one seems to realize is that, although each word/phrase by itself may sound corny, when you string them out into an ongoing mantra, they let you see the other side of the coin - the awesome side.  Here is part of my mantra stream.  The words/phrases go in no particular order;  they're not the only ones; I'm constantly adding new ones; I pull them out of the air as needed and as often as necessary in order to bring myself back to peace and acceptance of life:

ALL I CAN DO IS ALL I CAN DO - after you say it a few times, it starts to sound completely logical and you know it's true. You might be on the brink of tears when you say it the first time, but by the time you get to the last repetition, you can feel that shrug of total acceptance at the end and move on)

HARMONY - first I say it, then I think it, over and over, until it's more like I'm listening to it, feeling it, moving inside it...

RHYTHM - I alternate this one with Harmony - they go together...

GET UP! - an inner shout to myself, followed by: ON THE COUNT OF 3 (or 10, or 50, or 100) This is a good one when I'm lying around and I know I should be doing something but just can't get up the gumption to do it.  This one doesn't need repetition.  Once I'm up, I'm up.

STOP THIS! - another inner shout to myself, also followed by: ON THE COUNT OF 3 (or 10 or 50 or 100) This one works when I'm whining to myself about whatever... or when I'm going deeper and deeper into a destructive emotion/state of mind; sometimes, I might start to lapse back, but usually, one more reminder will do the trick, or I follow it with:

LOOK AROUND! This one gets me focusing on something outside myself - something within my sight at that instant; if I feel a need to focus on something beautiful, it usually means going outside if I'm not outside already, or looking out of a window, but sometimes I might have to wander through the house, repeating it a few times until I'm in the kitchen, let's say, and notice that I've got a beautiful lettuce in the fridge and all I have to do is wash it and cut it up for a salad, and add a bit of avocado... and turn on some music, oh, that's lovely.... looking around is really easy; you can always find something to focus on if you look around.

SCREAM! - I used to do this on a regular basis, one scream, loud and long; scared my father half to death once, and on another occasion, caused my boss to practically jump out of his skin.  This is a wonderful release when you feel that you just can't take it anymore; it will drain you completely - plus you get to feel wicked and gloriously free.  You do need to find the place to do it though - like driving alone in your car, or being at home alone (if you have thick walls so the neighbors don't freak out).  Over the years, I've found a more sociably acceptable substitute for screaming, which drains me just as thoroughly without scratching up my throat, although it's still quite a challenge.  The substitute mantra is:

SING! - which I do when I'm alone, as loud as I can and until I'm completely worn out.  It feels really really good.  Try a song that you find especially difficult - with high notes, or difficult breathing rhythms.  By the time you finish the song, you've not only come to terms with what was bothering you, but you've also restored your good feelings and belief in yourself.  However, be careful not to bite off more than you can chew when choosing your song!  Otherwise you'll have to deal with temporary defeat (that's why I said it's more challenging than screaming).  I've been working on this one song for the last two weeks, and was getting more depressed than ever, as I couldn't belt it out the way I heard it in my head (and the way Celine Dion sings it; it's an Etta James oldie called 'At last').  But 3 days ago, I finally got it right - I was driving to work alone, and I'd just finished my coffee, and you know drinking hot liquid helps the vocal chords loosen up for singing (ever noticed how Barbra Streisand always drinks tea during her concerts?) So I let loose once again, and when, miraculously, I had sung it out loud and clear to my satisfaction, I almost cried with happiness!  Just knowing I'd done it, FINALLY, made my day, and the next three days too!

REMEMBER! - If you say "remember" over and over you start the memories flowing;  then it's up to you to filter through them in order to choose the ones that are most relevant to you at the moment.

DEAL WITH IT AND MOVE ON! - This is a hard one.  Because, of course, it simply isn't that easy.  This one always comes with a counterpart, such as "I can't!", which must be dealt with with:

WHY THE F#$%K NOT???  Sometimes, asking that is an invitation to war, because of course there are always reasons for not being able to deal with things, and sometimes, I can't even put my finger on the why of it all, in which case I give myself an answer like "because....".  Then I need to reflect until I can really give some reasons, and then, after listening to myself for awhile, politely insert the follow-up of:

SO THE F#$%K what?   And at this point, I start the whole mantra stream: all you can do is all you can do, REMEMBER, LOOK AROUND!, etc., etc., and if nothing else works, just repeat:

TOMORROW! - repeating this word a few times helps me put things in perspective, because I know that tomorrow will be another day, and I'll have another chance to deal with it all, so for now, I can just STOP THIS ON THE COUNT OF 3 and let it drop.

Does that help?


 

All in good time

 Sometimes I begin my blogs without titling them, letting the title come to me along the way, but today I felt compelled to start off with the title itself.  Somehow I knew it would center me.  And yet, after such a long time having passed with no blog entries, I had no idea what I was going to write about, so I'm not exactly sure why I titled it as I did - it just came out as I clicked inside the title box.

Although, as I continue writing this, I'm relaxing into it.  It feels right, doesn't it?  I'm sure that's what I really meant to write about, because after all, Time is what Life is all about.  From the issue I just mentioned, about not having blogged in so long, to the situation I'm living, trying to spur myself on to get things done and keep the ideas coming for new projects, the saying about 'all in good time' does truly fit!

And I think I will use it in my English course this bimester, which focuses on expressions and sayings in English.  It's kind of nice to stop and take a breath and tell yourself, as Grandmother B. used to tell me when I was running around, trying to hurry things up: "slow down, there's plenty of time, plenty of time."  (She always said it twice, and in a very relaxed voice complete with Russian accent and intonation). 

Of course, technically I suppose, time does end for you when you die, but I think the essential "you" continues throughout the time that's still being lived by your loved ones, meaning you are still alive in the time of the people you affected during your life - take my Grandmother B., for example, who is here with me writing this blog 18 years after she died!  In other words, the more people we know and love in our lives, the more time we get after we're gone.  After that, I guess it'll just depend on how many stories are told about us to future generations.  For example, Car will get talked about plenty to any future grandkids he would have had.  His image is so powerful that hopefully that generation will feel they actually knew him! 

Okay, but let's get back to the real issue here and the fact that Time is only relevant as such to those who are living within its bounds.  In my case, for instance, I go from totally forgetting it exists (time flies when you're having fun), to worrying about it slipping away (like sands through the hourglass), to trying to balance things - making time for the things I want to do - lists and lists of them - and getting things done in time in spite of all the time lost in dreaming and procrastinating. 

And whichever mood I'm in, whatever mode I'm in, be it: 

• "why bother?"
• "I'll do it later"
• "I've got to finish this!", or
• "If only I could find the time to do it!"                     

                     there's a little voice reminding me I can do it, 
                                                                   assuring me I will do it...
                                                                                                all in good time.