Maybe optimism/pessimism is influenced by the moon cycle. When you experience these two opposing perspectives in a back-and-forth manner, they're often referred to as mood swings. Maybe they're triggered by something someone says or the weather. Maybe you've been able to see your mood swings as cyclical. In my case, It's a question that's still open to discussion because I'm not sure perspectives are dominated by moods, but whatever the cause and whatever the circumstances, I am always amazed by the complete change that occurs in me when I go from optimism to pessimism and vice/verse.
Yesterday was Sunday. I was in one of those funks where you just can't get yourself moving in any direction, so you watch videos, take walks, putter around and make half-hearted attempts to do something constructive, then watch more videos and willfully ignore everything else. I thought it might be because it was Sunday, but deep down I knew it was because some important trips are coming up and I didn't want to deal with the preparations, which brought on guilt feelings that I could only deal with by shutting out everything connected with my real life. So I gave myself permission to just escape into fantasy and deal with the consequences on Monday. That night, in the family chat, questions and more questions were being bounced around about what exactly our plan for the coming weekend was going to be. The family at this time is split into three sectors - those in Europe who are coming in for this, those in Mexico City, who are hosting the reunion and those here in the Hoyo, who are bringing the food for the reunion. Those of us in the Hoyo had not been able to come to an agreement on our plan (I know I was holding the others back) and the other two sectors were on our backs. So I remained silent in the chat except to say, we'd get back to them the next day.
This morning, I woke up completely willing to look at everything and come to some decisions. I managed to get both my sons to talk to me - and listen to my ideas about it and then contribute to the chat until the final plan was formulated. It was such a relief. And the plan itself - solid enough to believe in - brought all sorts of other ideas to adorn it. I went for a walk in the sun, thinking about things I needed to do - the things I was trying so hard not to see just yesterday - , but now, with the dragging unwillingness behind me, my mind exploded with ideas that I poured out on a new To-Do list.
I love it when I'm up! Who doesn't like to feel full of energy and ideas? And of course I hate it when I'm down, but even hating it, I feel compelled to experience it all the way through. I think my mind believes that I'll only be able to understand something important about the circle of optimism and pessimism if I stay the course of the down side. Whether or not that's true, I've always felt thankful for this: when I know I'm down and I give myself a deadline to return from stagnation, I come up shining with exhilaration, feeling the energy and purpose that goes with loving and being thankful for my life.
The other day, when I was in my usual, pretty much optimistic mode, I was doing my walkaround, singing to myself as I sometimes do just to entertain myself as I walked. I recorded it, saved it in my phone and forgot about it, as it was just some spontaneous lyrics that I put to the music I heard in my head at the time. This morning I remembered it and played it.
A part of me must have known even then that pessimism was coming for me because it was like a message and it's just what I'm talking about.
Disregard the out-of-breath-ness of it... was walking pretty fast at the time.
No comments:
Post a Comment