Dealing with Pessimism

Why do I battle so against pessimism? I know that a long time ago, I myself was rather pessimistic, so why have I no compassion now for pessimistic attitudes in others? I well remember everyone calling me a hypochondriac at age 12. And I remember thinking "nothing really matters" was the greatest truth of Life when I was experimenting in search of self at the end of high school and first year of college. And I know that I told my Dad, when he said, "We just want you to be happy" that being happy wasn't what I was aiming for; rather, that I was searching for truth, which by then meant realism and dealing with hard facts and trying to improve things and living in the here and now. That was at age 25, having become a mother for the first time. I had my partner and we were on a quest. And having a little daughter only brought everything into focus and gave us a more visible path to go down. Now we would have to be examples for her, and later for her little brother, and so on and so forth. And somewhere along the way, what I saw as the search for truth became intricately woven into what I wanted to be a truly good life for them, the next generation. And being a good example meant making changes where I could and accepting things I couldn't change and shifting from an emphasis on politics and war to environmentalism and education. And always, always, trying not to lose sight of what pure creativity will do to nourish your soul.
That's when pessimism totally moved into the past for me. Because how can you waste time moaning and groaning about everything that you're faced with, when there are so many other more exciting, interesting, useful, beneficial ways to see it? I'm so upset at this moment because I can't talk to someone close to me. We live in different spheres. We see things so differently and nothing I say is comprehensible to her and what she says, though comprehensible, seems so futile to me, so unchallenging, so oppressive, so stifling. Here's an example:
She got her class schedule which will be from 3:00 pm to 9:00 Monday - Thursday, and came to me with a horrified face as she told me. My first reaction: How great! No classes at all on Fridays! You'll have time to eat lunch before you go and not have to be buying lunch outside every day.
Her reaction to my reaction: ARE YOU KIDDING? MY SCHEDULE HAS NO BREAKS! AND ONE OF MY CLASSES IS FOUR HOURS LONG!
My reaction to her reaction to my first reaction: But you'll have the whole morning to do things you want to do. You'll have Friday completely free!!! The four-hour class won't be 4 hours straight, you'll see; there are at least 3 breaks I bet - or one long one.
Her reaction was pure rejection and the last words I heard from her were to the effect that she was going to drop the 4-hour class. All I could say at that point was that I didn't want to talk about it any more; what use would there be if she couldn't see anything I was saying. She would just have to do what she had to do. I left her fuming at the table and brought my banana bread and coffee upstairs... and here I am blogging about it.
And now look at this: she just came upstairs so I asked her to sit with me here and read my blog before I put it up and she sat down and read it aloud, at my begging request.
Her first reaction: I hate how you write your blog sometimes...
My reaction to her reaction: oh sorry.
Her reaction to my reaction to her first reaction: laughter, a shake of the head and "not really"... and we actually talked afterwards. And guess what that talk led to? I found out that she does indeed have a class on Friday - that's the day whe she has only one class - the 4-hour one!
And what's the upshot of this? She's still in her world and I'm still in mine, but our worlds moved closer together. For instance, look how we miscommunicated the first time around! We ended this last talk with a tear and a smile and now she's moved on, and seems to be lining up her strategies to putting plan B into effect - trying to change her schedule once school starts; I got to do the reinforcement thing of telling her how capable she is of getting what she wants; she's incredibly intelligent and has an abundance of determination and that will take her a loooong way. She's not so pessimistic about things and I'm feeling like it was worth it to write this blog! You see? I can't help it! I'm always on the lookout for the rainbow - and that's how I deal with pessimism.

Back to Reality

After a trip like I/we had, it's a dose of reality to be back to your regular life. First there was a plane trip and a whirlwind stay with family and friends north of the border, during which I:
Got my driver's license thanks to my Dad, who lent me his car and was a good sport about sitting and waiting for me for two hours while I took first the written, then the practical driving tests. Of course, he did get to sit in an air-conditioned room with the newspaper and a library book, so I guess it wasn't too hard to be patient. And since I passed the test, that must have made it all worthwhile, right?
Ate some fabulous enchiladas with my parents and sibs one afternoon (made by my Dad!)

YUMMY!

Saw the beginnings of a house my cousin is having built by her sister's husband who is an architect!

House going up in the woods!

Witnessed the moment when my mom received the most lovely news from my sister!

And what a surprise that was!

And just enjoyed my stay to the max!

Then it was on the road and living in the camper and traveling south to places I've been before, lived in before, and seeing people I've missed and wondered about, and spending money and trying to find ways to beat the heat, and having the van looked after, and looking after the dog on the road, and eating the most scrumptious food during the whole two different trips (and coming back to find that I've gained 2kilos because of that) and swimming in seas and cenotes and looking for rivers and river-rocks (and bringing back a whole bucketful of river-rocks) and helping Lu move out and move in, and swinging in hammocks, and sleeping in hammocks when the van was too hot to consider a sleeping place...


We took lots of pictures, but in trying to choose the best ones, I get too wishy-washy! Here are some the ones I like best:

ON THE ROAD



the 'Bajada a Orizaba'








Trying to get out of a parking lot after filling the tank and making a pit stop




Licking her chops!






Fruit market by night!












Under a shady tree on a rest stop next to the ocean






Approaching the tunnel

In the tunnel!

THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL!

CLo and Bella playing ball...


















Getting some shade...






Just before sunrise...




Just after sunrise!






Dzit-Nup - paradise beneath the ground we walk on...







Talking things over at the edge of the ocean




SIESTA!

It's almost time!

Leaving in a few hours for some north-south traveling, and what am I doing? BLOGGING!!! But no, I'm not... just trying to calm myself down as I rush around trying to get everything done at once, and always thinking of something else I need to do!!

Okay, back to packing...
More later.

Making up for lost time

After not blogging for weeks on end, I seem to be full of blogthoughts. There's something about blogging; it's such a release - all you need is the idea you want to talk about. Of course, it's easier when you have pictures - the pictures can do most of the telling, and it's nicer for others to read few words as they focus on funny, fine, or fabulous photos than to wade through lots of words without the benefit of any photos. On the other hand, the thing that's great for the blogger is to get their ideas in order. And I do need to do that.

But here's something - which I didn't write myself - that is so beautiful, it just takes my breath away, not only for its beauty but because I feel the same way:

de Yussiff:
Pao, quisiera poder estar contigo y darte un abrazo que evite el espacio vacio que puedan dejar las palabras, ayer uno de mis heroes el mejor de muchos, alcanzo el conocimiento absoluto y se unio con la fuerza que da equilibrio al universo. y no ... nos dejo solos nos envolvio y nos abraza ¿no lo sientes? y si te digo que es el mejor de mis heroes, es por que gracias a el los tengo a ti (que no mames ve hasta donde llegaste y el lo pudo ver) y a luis en mi vida, y gracias a ustedes soy como soy. y no necesito decir mas por que gracias a el pude hacer mi cosmovision, y aprender a entender los secretos de muchas cosas, por el conoci a sabina, y por el supe lo que era viajar.

From Yussiff:

Pao, I wish I could be with you and give you a hug that would shut out the empty space that words can leave. Yesterday one of my heroes - the greatest of many - reached the state of absolute knowledge and joined the force that gives balance to the universe. And no, he didn't leave us, he enveloped us and he's embracing us - don't you feel it? And if I tell you that he is the greatest one of my heroes, it's because thanks to him I have you (and no shit, look how far you've gotten and he was able to witness it!) and Lu in my life, and thanks to you two, I am who I am. And I don't need to say any more because thanks to him I've been able to form my own cosmovision and learn to understand the secrets behind many things; I discovered Sabina through him, and because of him, I know what it is to travel...

Yussiff is my nephew by marriage... I think he understood the essence of Car as well as anyone ever could. Just wanted to see his thought here...

An Almost-Anniversary

I haven't forgotten. Did you think I would? How could I forget this same day 31 years ago... that excitement, the screaming hectic can't-wait-gotta-have-it-now longing... getting off the plane and seeing you. And that time-stopping, all-devouring look that passed between us for an eternal milisecond before we came together in a tremendous hug that was cut off before it could go anywhere, and we got my stuff and walked out of the airport... And that was the intensity we lived through with each other every day (or most of them) for the first ten years. Whether we were together or apart - and we had some separations during that time because that was all part of it too - we were always connected, never far from the other in thought or feeling.
Then came the year of ambivalence, and then 4 years of starting from scratch on a new adventure - I loved all of that so much. And finally, it was back here, to this place, where I still am now. It made for an intensity of a different type - the bad was worse, and the good was too good to last. So we kept rollercoasting our way through the years, but what we both realized, in our most lucid moments, in those times when we were together looking at everything with synchronized vision, was that we were constantly redefining and increasing our understanding of true love - it's hell sometimes, we'd say. But oh, the good moments!! Oh those perfect perfect moments!!
So I just want you to know that I haven't forgotten any of it; in fact, I reflect on parts of it at least 3 or 4 times a day... and I feel the intensity of your first feelings for me as well as your last - you loved me at the beginning for who I was then, and you loved me at the end for who I am now. And you have to know that's how I loved you too.

(don't worry, I took down and saved the original blog I put up here, but I'm leaving the abridged version, just because; I only hope I still left the essence of it intact!)

Ten Minutes

I had such a good idea for a blog, but now that I'm here I've totally forgotten what it was!! Something to do with writing, something I've discovered about writing... I guess 'discover' may not be the right word after all, since I seem to have let it slip away. But anyway, the truth is, I have writer's block... it's been horrible! I can't sit down and write, no matter how many tricks I employ to entice myself into staying in my chair and writing. So here's today's effort: it's a trick I learned from incredible book I once read. The idea is to limber up your mind by freeing it from its natural tendency to constrain your ideas. So you set the timer for ten minutes and you write for that amount of time. You start with a phrase like 'I remember...', and then go on and on, just writing without deleting or changing. If you get stuck, you just start again with 'I remember...' or the opposite, 'I don't remember'... the idea is simply to keep writing. At the end of the ten-minute period, you put it away and start on your real writing. But in my case, after the 10-min period, I'm going to go back and correct any typos or whatever (after all, it's my blog), so you will get the edited version of my rambling... Okay, here goes, except that tonight's opening is:

I want

I want a lot of things, though I can't exactly remember what I wanted yesterday or even two minutes ago. I want to be in a big open space and to be sitting on sand or maybe in a field that smells of orange blossoms. I want to roll in the grass and get dirty and not have it matter and not be worried about chiggers or ants or any bug at all. When I finish rolling around, maybe I'll sit up and take a look around. Even though I want many things, I suppose I ought to realize I'm not the only person in the world to be wanting something. Maybe I should stop and think about what other people might want or not want. Does it matter? Isn't this my own space? Don't I get to want something when it doesn't matter what anyone else wants since it's not like I'm going to get what I want anyway? What's the deal on that? What is wanting for that matter? You say you want something, but you probably hardly ever even know why! Do you? Really really why? You're out on the street looking in windows and thinking, 'oh I like those shoes, I'm going to try them on'. And they fit, so you say, 'well they're not too expensive and I have the money. I should get them. I can afford them, and I want them'. So you buy them. But did you really want them? Would you have wanted them if you had never been walking down the street and seen them in the window? Okay, well, that's one kind of wanting. Let's say it's spontaneous.. But there are other kinds of wanting. Think about when you make lists of things you want - maybe you call it your wish list. I have lots of those. I categorize them! I have a 'places to go' list, a 'things to do' list (not things I have to do, but things I want to do), a 'things to get' list (not necessarily to buy, but rather to obtain!), a 'things to find out about' list... etc. etc. I want many things and I know I'll never get them just by wanting them suddenly and then forgetting, so I make lists of them and then I go back over time and look at them and remember wanting them and decide if I still want them. Or maybe when I'm reading over my lists I'll realize that it's the perfect time to get/do some of those things now. So I'll concentrate on that and really get/do them and cross them off my list. And that - completing the circle of wanting by waiting it out and letting the want go through all its stages - is truly fulfilling! (and so is the feeling you get when you cross it off the list). I'm thinking about one of those lists right now. It's a places to see list. Now the truth of the matter is that I'm going to be traveling soon. I have a fixed destination in mind, but I am going by road, and I am going to be the driver, so I could in fact plan to stop along the way at all the places - or let's say at least a few of them - that are on my list. That would really be neat! I think I might do it! I can just imagine it. In fact, the first thing I must do is get a good map. Now, the question is, would you say I want a map or I need a map? Is there a difference? In short, what is wanting?

Beep - beep! Time's up!

okay, so the ten-minute writing was great! I might do it again sometime! Though please bear in mind: what you've just read is basically nonsense! The real writing is going to start now! (if I'm lucky)

Bike rides and Yes-Man

I promised myself I would blog tonight so here I am. I promised that I would write about the Sunday bike ride so here goes:

This being the rainy season, you take advantage of nice balmy days like last Sunday. You go outside and enjoy the fresh sweet air and you constantly look up at the sky, marveling at all the different shades of blue plastered with fluffy whiter-than-white clouds. You dive into the pure joy of all this, knowing that within a very short time, that summery blue sky will turn first grey, then black, the sweet warm breeze will disappear inside an ominous current of icy wind, those innocent masses of cotton candy clouds will bunch up ever darker and more foreboding. Both sides of the coin portraying Nature herself are fascinating to contemplate, but if you want to have an enjoyable bicycle outing, you need to do it before your summer day is washed away. Right?

Now, I woke up Sunday morning without the slightest intention of going for a bike ride. The day began in languid stresslessness; two cups of coffee, a bit of Internet dabbling, getting the wash lined up, breakfast and kibbutzing with kids, catching up on gardening and housecleaning, etc., etc., but somewhere around mid-day, I chanced to be outside on the front patio, feeling the warmth of the sun on my head, enjoying the soft breeze cooling the back of my neck and taking in the multi-blue-shaded sky where bright clouds drifted lazily as if to taunt the woman who was hanging out a load of wash, whereupon I stopped to reflect that that woman was me! How could I be pinning clothes to a line when I should be putting foot to pedal and riding off into that perfect day! Whereupon I zoomed into action, filling the clothesline in record time only to announce that I was riding to town to get fruits and veggies and did anyone want to go.

Sam kindly volunteered to pull my bike and his from the tangle of bikes we have stored in the shed Lu and Anto built last year. He conscientiously checked the chains and filled the tires, and even took test rides on both bikes to check steering and brakes (last time we rode was many months ago!). Still, enthusiastic as he was about my doing the trip, he wasn't convinced enough to come along with me!
Happily though, Monica expressed an interest in riding to town, so I had a partner for the trip. We got our water bottles and sunglasses, shopping backpacks and bike locks, and then I ran upstairs to get one more thing... for an experiment.

Experiment...???? Okay, let me explain.

Two weeks ago, I watched the movie "Yes-Man" with Jim Carrey. Now I don't even like Jim Carrey that much, and in fact, this particular movie didn't change my mind about him. But the movie did open my eyes to something new that I've since wanted to try. In the movie, the girl who JC later becomes involved with is a whacky character who follows her whims, one of which is to ride her motorcycle and snap pictures with her small digital camera along the way. She doesn't really aim or line up the picture she's going to take in any way, but simply tries to hold the camera steady, aimed in the general direction of what she wants to pictify and presses the button. Later on in the movie she starts a running group in which all the joggers do the same - run and take pictures along the way - photography in motion!

So this was my chance to see what would happen if I tried it on a bike ride. And here are some of the results. Random shots along the way - enjoy!