How bilingualism works in this relationship

When I came to Mexico thirty years ago, I didn't speak a word of Spanish. Well, I could say "gracias", and "baño", and maybe a few other words, but that was about it. I thought I was going to "pick up the language" while I was there, but I was three months into my traveling around before I met people who didn't speak English and weren't really intent on trying to practice what little they knew. (My future husband was one of those people, though he didn't figure into my life in a personal way until two years later).

When I began learning Spanish it was like this: I accepted an invitation to live for three months (the rest of the time allotted to me on my visa) with a family in Mexico City. The young people in the family consisted of three sisters and 4 brothers. We would talk one-on-one with a dictionary between us and we'd get the main gist of our conversation by using keywords which would be looked up in either Spanish or English depending on who was thinking of the word. Once the meaning was clear, the conversation would continue in Spanish. English was a reference for me, but not the language of expression in any conversation. And I wanted it that way.

I jumped into my life in Mexico and there were no ifs ands or buts about accepting everything - including the language. I didn't want to speak English. I wanted to speak Spanish. I wanted to feel that I was really Mexican. Now I realize that it's a natural human longing to feel accepted by the society in which you live and that's probably why I was so determined to speak Spanish and adopt many new ways of acting and reacting, new perspectives on old issues; in short, I was able and willing to become a new minshap; I'm not kidding - many people have actually told me something to that effect, like: "you're sweeter in Spanish". Or, "you seem so different when you speak English".

In addition to the above, once I began really hanging out with my partner, he probably wouldn't have seen the relationship as something to be pursued if I had insisted on English being part of the deal. And in fact, I should mention from the start that one of the things that originally impressed me about my partner, was his vocabulary. I was eager to learn the language, but being an expressive person myself, and having a large vocabulary which I love to make use of in English, I yearned for a good model for increasing my Spanish vocabulary. The first time I listened to my partner expound upon an idea that came up (by then I was speaking Spanish "más o menos" as they say), I fell in love with his eloquent use of words.

So that was my side of how we began. On his side, I've always known that one of the things he loves most about me is the way I could become part of his world and not drag mine into it. This is not to say that I don't bring my views and opinions and ways of doing things into our lives on a constant basis - of course I do this. But I do it without expecting him to swallow all of it in English. I do it in his language. And I know that many of those US-isms spark up, enliven, give food for thought, and generally refresh our relationship all the time.

Thus, a pattern emerged from the beginning. Spanish was the language we spoke to each other. And we were pretty puritan about it. I couldn't stand not being able to find the word I wanted to say in Spanish and would badger him until I got the precise word, or I would interrupt the conversation to get the dictionary and look it up. We didn't do things like say a whole sentence in Spanish with one word in English interjected because there was no Spanish equivalent. There was always a Spanish equivalent!

But that was then. That was before our kids came along. Then there were new dilemas to contend with. I wanted to speak English with them, and did so to a certain extent - especially with fned, who was a toddler when we went to live in the US for one year. But when we came back to Mexico and Lu was born, I was living with my MIL and she didn't speak English. So I spoke more and more Spanish with my kids and it kind of became the language at home for them. Whenever I wanted to speak English, they would insist that I switch to Spanish and for many years I did.

Fifteen years ago, I began teaching English where I now live and work. Although I'd been teaching English all along for the previous 15 years, this was the first time that I spoke the language so extensively throughout the day. In my present working environment, I speak English with most of my colleagues and always only English with my students, in or out of class. Somehow, this started to spill over at home, and culminated in my writing an article in the school magazine about bilingual families. By then, my kids were growing up and actually WANTED to speak English. They were starting to have bilingual friends and realized that English could actually come in handy. So, I started speaking English with them more and more and lo and behold, my partner started to get in on the act!

Of course, he's always been able to speak some English, but his accent is pretty exaggerated and he tries to get away with breaking as many grammar rules of English as he can. But nowadays, we often throw in English expressions as we speak. Sometimes I feel that my Spanish has suffered from not being used so constantly and because I've relaxed about trying to find a way to say EVERYTHING in Spanish. Nowadays, if I don't find the word I'm looking for, I have no compunction about saying it in English and expecting everyone else to just "get it" in English.

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