Nitpicking and exoneration

I've grown more and more fastidious in my 'old' age.  Fastidious (though not in the sense of keeping clean), meticulous, demanding, exacting, fussy... some might find these apt adjectives to describe what is essentially obsessive nitpicking.  I get this a lot at home - "Stop nagging!".  But 'nagging' is not the word they mean because you nag a person to do something, and that's not what I do. (oh what a nitpicker I am!).  What I do is "harp".  I want things 'precisely so', whether it's how we put the forks in the cutlery tray, or how we understand the difference between "nagging"  and "harping" or a how we see a situation.  And though I'm aware of this evolution towards uncontrollable fussiness, I usually let myself give in  to it.  Why?  Because, after all is said and done, it's downright satisfying to know that I made my point thoroughly, or that "my way or the highway", as my sons refer to it, is actually the right way! (and not in the political sense, but rather as in the opposite of wrong).  This doesn't mean I am always right - on the contrary, and I welcome it when someone's way of doing things or definition of a term, or attitude toward a situation is more on the target than mine.  It's a relief, because ultimately, what it means is that a battle to the depths of oblivion has been mercifully avoided!
But let me begin to tie the ends together because there is a point to all of this. You see, yesterday, my nitpicking-ness veered off to the outrageous  - leading me to laugh at myself and my obsession, and turning it all into blog material in my mind.  Nitpicker that I am, I want to get it all down in words, but at the same time, I'm hoping to be exonerated, not that I'm actually guilty of anything... but just because I feel like I am. 
The word in question was 'reponer' (Spanish for... well, you'll see).  So there I was, hurrying out of the building to get to my next class in another building 10 minutes away from where I was, and as I shot down the hall, two teachers (not native English-speakers) standing in the doorway of one of the classrooms, beckoned to me to clear up a doubt they had.  They asked me if there was such a word as 'reposition'.  I hemmed and hawed for a moment (I had to come back from the inside of my own head where I was deep in dialog with myself about other issues) and then said, "Yes, of course: to reposition."  "What does it mean?"  "Reposition - to put in another position."  "Ah yes... okay, so would that work for 'reponer'?"  "Hmmm... well reponer, hmmm...you mean maybe replenish?"  "Replenish?"  "yes, like to replenish an amount".... (time was ticking, but they didn't look convinced, and the truth was, neither was I!)... I started backing away, still trying to come up with a better alternative, then turned back and called (by this time I was a few feet away from them) "or replace!"   "Oh, yeah, replace," they cried jubilantly.  "Yeah that's it!  Thanks!"   And I went on my way feeling relieved that I'd found the word.... but then, wait!  Was that really the word?  I mean it could have been 'make up'... like when you have to make up your hours at work after you've been absent...  at that point, I realized that I was nitpicking - surely they couldn't care less by now, having gotten the word they wanted.  Why couldn't I drop it?  But in my mind, it went on and on... It went like this:
Me talking to Other Person whose native language is not English:
me:  .... so I mean, it could be 'make up', or 'put back'...?
O.P. - well, but replace sounds...
me:    I mean, I'm sorry to be such a nitpicker, but... I mean, do you know what a nitpicker is?
O.P.: -very picky?
me:    well yes, but I mean the expression...  do you know what a nit is?
O.P.:  not really
me:  well it's the egg of a louse.  Do you know what a louse is?
O.P. : yeah, like: What a louse!  Like, that's a lousy excuse...
me:    yeah, but no, I mean the real meaning of the word - which is singular for lice...
O.P. : oh really?  I thought it was lice/lices
 me:   no, it's louse/lice... so, can you see the allusion?
O.P. : I'm not sure... someone who picks the nits out of their hair?

me:  right, but think how tiny nits are... I mean if you were trying to pick the nits out, it would take forever,      and it would be really tedious... pretty useless, actually, considering the lice would continue hatching eggs.

O.P.:  oh, so it would be pretty gross, and it might make you cross-eyed or give you a headache.

me:  yes, that too, but I mean in a figurative sense... can't you see it?  I mean look how I'm just going on and on with this explanation, trying to get you to understand all the little details... 

O.P.  - Oh, now I get it!... HAHAHAHA, and you're right.  You really are a nitpicker!

Stream of Mantras

I have been having the same kind of conversation over and over with different people lately.  The theme is along the lines of:  life's a bitch.  And it's true - life's a bitch.  It ain't easy sometimes - maybe even most of the time.  You make mistakes, you forget to do things, you hurt people, you get lazy and just want to blow everything off, you get stressed out and it exhausts you, you fear tomorrow, you regret yesterday, you don't want to face today, you hate yourself for all the things you do wrong, you get pissed off at others for all the things they do wrong, you go bananas over the slightest thing gone wrong, you miss opportunities, you miss people who have gone, you don't get enough sleep, you eat too much and too many of the wrong things, you can't find the energy or desire to do anything, you get depressed because you're sitting on your butt lacking the energy or desire to do anything, you need more time, more money, more love, more comprehension, and so forth, etc., etc., etc., ad nauseum, ON AND ON beyond infinity!  OKAY!  So it's true!  But so what?

We're alive aren't we?  If life's a bitch, it's also gotta be a pretty awesome bitch.  You can't have the bad without the good, remember?  It's all part of the package. 

So I've been having these conversations with people and inevitably, I think of my mantra stream.  I didn't start out thinking of it like mantra stream; in fact, I just now put a name to it after having had my umpteenth conversation of this sort.  I have tried to explain the other side of "life's a bitch" a million times but evidently the words I use sound too pat, too hollow to the person I'm explaining them to, but what no one seems to realize is that, although each word/phrase by itself may sound corny, when you string them out into an ongoing mantra, they let you see the other side of the coin - the awesome side.  Here is part of my mantra stream.  The words/phrases go in no particular order;  they're not the only ones; I'm constantly adding new ones; I pull them out of the air as needed and as often as necessary in order to bring myself back to peace and acceptance of life:

ALL I CAN DO IS ALL I CAN DO - after you say it a few times, it starts to sound completely logical and you know it's true. You might be on the brink of tears when you say it the first time, but by the time you get to the last repetition, you can feel that shrug of total acceptance at the end and move on)

HARMONY - first I say it, then I think it, over and over, until it's more like I'm listening to it, feeling it, moving inside it...

RHYTHM - I alternate this one with Harmony - they go together...

GET UP! - an inner shout to myself, followed by: ON THE COUNT OF 3 (or 10, or 50, or 100) This is a good one when I'm lying around and I know I should be doing something but just can't get up the gumption to do it.  This one doesn't need repetition.  Once I'm up, I'm up.

STOP THIS! - another inner shout to myself, also followed by: ON THE COUNT OF 3 (or 10 or 50 or 100) This one works when I'm whining to myself about whatever... or when I'm going deeper and deeper into a destructive emotion/state of mind; sometimes, I might start to lapse back, but usually, one more reminder will do the trick, or I follow it with:

LOOK AROUND! This one gets me focusing on something outside myself - something within my sight at that instant; if I feel a need to focus on something beautiful, it usually means going outside if I'm not outside already, or looking out of a window, but sometimes I might have to wander through the house, repeating it a few times until I'm in the kitchen, let's say, and notice that I've got a beautiful lettuce in the fridge and all I have to do is wash it and cut it up for a salad, and add a bit of avocado... and turn on some music, oh, that's lovely.... looking around is really easy; you can always find something to focus on if you look around.

SCREAM! - I used to do this on a regular basis, one scream, loud and long; scared my father half to death once, and on another occasion, caused my boss to practically jump out of his skin.  This is a wonderful release when you feel that you just can't take it anymore; it will drain you completely - plus you get to feel wicked and gloriously free.  You do need to find the place to do it though - like driving alone in your car, or being at home alone (if you have thick walls so the neighbors don't freak out).  Over the years, I've found a more sociably acceptable substitute for screaming, which drains me just as thoroughly without scratching up my throat, although it's still quite a challenge.  The substitute mantra is:

SING! - which I do when I'm alone, as loud as I can and until I'm completely worn out.  It feels really really good.  Try a song that you find especially difficult - with high notes, or difficult breathing rhythms.  By the time you finish the song, you've not only come to terms with what was bothering you, but you've also restored your good feelings and belief in yourself.  However, be careful not to bite off more than you can chew when choosing your song!  Otherwise you'll have to deal with temporary defeat (that's why I said it's more challenging than screaming).  I've been working on this one song for the last two weeks, and was getting more depressed than ever, as I couldn't belt it out the way I heard it in my head (and the way Celine Dion sings it; it's an Etta James oldie called 'At last').  But 3 days ago, I finally got it right - I was driving to work alone, and I'd just finished my coffee, and you know drinking hot liquid helps the vocal chords loosen up for singing (ever noticed how Barbra Streisand always drinks tea during her concerts?) So I let loose once again, and when, miraculously, I had sung it out loud and clear to my satisfaction, I almost cried with happiness!  Just knowing I'd done it, FINALLY, made my day, and the next three days too!

REMEMBER! - If you say "remember" over and over you start the memories flowing;  then it's up to you to filter through them in order to choose the ones that are most relevant to you at the moment.

DEAL WITH IT AND MOVE ON! - This is a hard one.  Because, of course, it simply isn't that easy.  This one always comes with a counterpart, such as "I can't!", which must be dealt with with:

WHY THE F#$%K NOT???  Sometimes, asking that is an invitation to war, because of course there are always reasons for not being able to deal with things, and sometimes, I can't even put my finger on the why of it all, in which case I give myself an answer like "because....".  Then I need to reflect until I can really give some reasons, and then, after listening to myself for awhile, politely insert the follow-up of:

SO THE F#$%K what?   And at this point, I start the whole mantra stream: all you can do is all you can do, REMEMBER, LOOK AROUND!, etc., etc., and if nothing else works, just repeat:

TOMORROW! - repeating this word a few times helps me put things in perspective, because I know that tomorrow will be another day, and I'll have another chance to deal with it all, so for now, I can just STOP THIS ON THE COUNT OF 3 and let it drop.

Does that help?


 

All in good time

 Sometimes I begin my blogs without titling them, letting the title come to me along the way, but today I felt compelled to start off with the title itself.  Somehow I knew it would center me.  And yet, after such a long time having passed with no blog entries, I had no idea what I was going to write about, so I'm not exactly sure why I titled it as I did - it just came out as I clicked inside the title box.

Although, as I continue writing this, I'm relaxing into it.  It feels right, doesn't it?  I'm sure that's what I really meant to write about, because after all, Time is what Life is all about.  From the issue I just mentioned, about not having blogged in so long, to the situation I'm living, trying to spur myself on to get things done and keep the ideas coming for new projects, the saying about 'all in good time' does truly fit!

And I think I will use it in my English course this bimester, which focuses on expressions and sayings in English.  It's kind of nice to stop and take a breath and tell yourself, as Grandmother B. used to tell me when I was running around, trying to hurry things up: "slow down, there's plenty of time, plenty of time."  (She always said it twice, and in a very relaxed voice complete with Russian accent and intonation). 

Of course, technically I suppose, time does end for you when you die, but I think the essential "you" continues throughout the time that's still being lived by your loved ones, meaning you are still alive in the time of the people you affected during your life - take my Grandmother B., for example, who is here with me writing this blog 18 years after she died!  In other words, the more people we know and love in our lives, the more time we get after we're gone.  After that, I guess it'll just depend on how many stories are told about us to future generations.  For example, Car will get talked about plenty to any future grandkids he would have had.  His image is so powerful that hopefully that generation will feel they actually knew him! 

Okay, but let's get back to the real issue here and the fact that Time is only relevant as such to those who are living within its bounds.  In my case, for instance, I go from totally forgetting it exists (time flies when you're having fun), to worrying about it slipping away (like sands through the hourglass), to trying to balance things - making time for the things I want to do - lists and lists of them - and getting things done in time in spite of all the time lost in dreaming and procrastinating. 

And whichever mood I'm in, whatever mode I'm in, be it: 

• "why bother?"
• "I'll do it later"
• "I've got to finish this!", or
• "If only I could find the time to do it!"                     

                     there's a little voice reminding me I can do it, 
                                                                   assuring me I will do it...
                                                                                                all in good time.



Surprise!

Have you ever come home from work to find that someone made you a meal and it's all set out for you?  Well, maybe.... in fact probably at least once in your life, right?  Okay, but have you ever come home from work and found that not only is there a meal set out for you, but someone also carted away all the old things that had accumulated in your yard, leaving the area full of clean space?  Okay, maybe you have!  But then, have you ever come home from work and found that not only had someone cooked you a meal and set it out, and cleaned out your junk and carted it away, but also replaced a broken front gate that you'd wanted to repair for years?  Okay, maybe that's happened too... but then:  Have you ever come home to find that your kids had cleaned out all the junk and carted it away, repaired and re-installed your front gate, prepared and set out a meal for you, AND ALSO painted and cleaned your kitchen?????  NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL A BIRTHDAY PRESENT!!!!!  WOW!

Cuckoo but positively not negative

Today I'm forcing myself back to positivity.  I've always maintained that I'm an optimist, that I look for ways to make things better, not worse, that I hate it when people complain.  So if I don't want to be a hypocrite, I'll just have to be hypocritical and say things are great.  Because essentially they are.  Uh-oh, here we go....
You see, I flubbed up.  I flubbed up bad - again - embarassingly bad.... I know no one cares but me, and maybe the other person who for sure thinks I'm nuts, too naive for words, or completely full of it.  But that's all.
Meanwhile, I've spent over 24 hours not being able to get over it.  I wrote a blog that took 7 hours to write and perfect, trying to explain, or rather exonerate, myself.  But it didn't help!  I posted it and then a few hours later took it down, knowing it was stupid and ridiculous - just aimless, highfaluting bs!  Okay, I do believe what I was talking about in the tutorial, in which my student actually got up out of his chair and threw his arms out and shouted it couldn't be so, and at the end of which he stared at me with an expression of utter bewilderment and asked: "so you really believe that people can lead themselves?"... oh, why am I going back to all that - Move on Minshap, get over it!  I mean I can believe in harmony, rhythm and balance if I want to.  I can believe I live my life by these beliefs, and that my household works under those premises, can't I?  I can believe that people can be self-leaders.  It doesn't mean they can't be group leaders too!  They can!  (my student is an important manager).  Anyway, it's all just talk, and if you want to know what it was about, put it in a comment, and I'll repost the other blog.
But what I want to say in this blog is that, after beating myself up over it, after not being able to muster up the enthusiasm or even a sense of obligation to go to my art class - which I had assured my teacher I wouldn't miss, or the kermes at the neighbors' house, which I had promised to stop by and buy food at, or even cook up the meal I had said I would cook for my kids - and this is grave because we ended up eating nachos and popcorn all day... after all of that, I did shake it off!  I pulled myself out of my own morbid negativity!
How, you ask?  Well, first I bullied myself into doing my chores.  I washed a thousand dishes and cleaned the stove.  I felt like I was being punished, but in fact it was really my turn to do the kitchen, only I'd been moping around so much I'd let them accummulate to massive proportions.  My back felt like hell at the end of it, but at least I knew I'd done something productive!  Everyone congratulated me.  It was like I'd really contributed to the cause (even though I hadn't cooked up the meal I'd promised, but then today is another day!)
Next, I participated in a family activity - we watched Matrix III, got incredibly bored with it and switched to Kramer vs Kramer - completely opposites in terms of genres but who cares?  That was with popcorn, homemade lemonade, the works.
Then everyone went their own way - some to bed, some to parties, I myself decided to tackle the cuckoo clock.  And that was the thing that brought me back to the good place I'm in now.  It was hell!  I surfed the net to find instructions, read them over a billion times, opened the back of our cuckoo clock, worked on it under the dim light of a florescent bulb, with my bad eyes straining to see the sprockets and chains which are hidden behind a metal barrier that cannot be removed.  You have to stick a hook through the spaces in the metal and coax the chains over the sprockets.  I didn't have a hook - but I had a toothpick and determination!  When I put the clock back up and got it going - had to fiddle with the pendulum weight till it got the right rhythm - when I heard the cuckoo bird's call 15 minutes later at midnight - on the dot according to my watch! - I felt elated.  And this morning, when I got up and discerned through the morning stillness the steady tick-tock of the cuckoo clock, I felt positively absolved!  My bout with negativity was over! 
The only thing I forgot is that, DST made the hour fall back, so my cuckoo says it's an hour later than it really is... but there's no way I'm going to change the hour now. Tomorrow will be soon enough!

Apology to a Leader

To G., in an effort to explain...

I believe in balance. I sometimes refer to it as harmony, or rhythm, or the yin/yang; I think of it in connection with God. The first time I started to see the tremendous connections between these concepts was when I had been playing Tetris for awhile. Did you ever play that game? This was back in the 90’s and my computer had it as part of the standard equipment. I played it so often, that I started to see everything I did in terms of bricks that I could accommodate and fit into slots to build columns.



Then Matrix came out. I think I watched that movie at least 8 times. At my house, we all did. It never failed to awe us – the idea that you could find patterns behind all actions and participate as part of the pattern. So that fit into the whole Tetris concept of bricks falling into place in their columns, and now there was also a master pattern to become part of. The insights I got from Matrix provided lots of new and interesting topics to talk about with my tutorials and my kids, and it eventually led me to the whole idea of how information travels. And that was right around the time we all heard about The Secret. Remember that? The law of universal attraction? I added that to the already abundant evidence that harmony and rhythm are what it's all about. Now there was even another dimension to it all - attraction of information as needed to keep growing. I could now see how to accommodate the bricks with better accuracy, and the patterns behind actions seemed even more discernible. I saw patterns and neat accommodation possibilities and rhythm in the traffic, at work, any time I looked out for them. Questions I found myself asking one day were answered for me the next! Was it simply because I was more aware??

Finally, I realized that I mustn’t leave out the one other crucial element in the order of things: COMMUNICATION. Of course I've always believed in that, but putting everything together, I found that I could do all sorts of things in all sorts of different ways; I could even make an agreement to swap tasks with someone else, or re-arrange the order of priorities. And I could explain and convince whenever it was necessary to get what I needed.



But wait - harmony? Rhythm?? Balance??? We were talking about Leadership, remember? Well yes, but Leadership is what holds it all together, and if others reach the same place, the power structure begins to change and leadership turns into a floating concept.



During our last class, you found it hard to believe that there wasn't an overall "leader" of the house. And I suppose I was wrong when I insisted there wasn't. I mean, technically I am the leader as I'm the breadwinner. But I don't look at it that way most of the time. It seems to me that what we have here are 4 or 5 (depending on who's home) full-time self-leaders who take over whenever required as momentary group leaders. What we do is switch around all the roles in what is sometimes a chaotic way, but which does have its order as long as we don't forget the essential ingredient: COMMUNICATION. We've become the most flexible family you can imagine but we find it necessary to adapt as no one person is around enough to be the constant leader.



I'm not saying it's a perfect arrangement. What I am saying is that we all agree that it's the best way for us. The important point - the interesting aspect of it - is the harmony, the balance, the building of confidence that evolves from our close communication. We all know that any one of us can take the lead when necessary. I know I made it sound invincible - perfect - and of course it's not, but it is possible and it’s challenging to put into action.



As for the idea being extended to work situations, I wasn't trying to imply that there is no use for leaders at work. On the contrary - it's to be desired! In fact, I get so excited thinking about all the possibilities, that I probably sounded irrational to you. But look at this: if we work in a way where everyone is encouraged to find out how much they can do alone and who they can get to help them when they need it, then our leaders will be freer to observe it all and straighten out the kinks they see with the full approval and appreciation of their people. And when their people can work out their own kinks without constant intervention by the leader, the leader will be even freer, maybe to help in another area where things are not running so smoothly or with such balance and harmony. Leaders can keep creating and modifying their roles as needed and so can their people. The key is to have good communication at all times. Because when that breaks down, you get problems full in the face.



At any rate, I hope this has cleared up your doubts and concerns; I hope you can see what I mean since in fact, I consider you a leader like that. You seem to lead your people in that kind of way and in all our conversations I've always felt that each of us was speaking on equal terms when there was an idea on the table. On the other side of the coin, even though I'm your English teacher and might technically be considered the "leader" in that sense, you are your own leader and you take your learning from me as you need it - you don't wait for me to give it. So you do lead yourself! I always say that if all students were like that, teachers would have a much more exciting job! People who know what they want and what they need and look for ways to get it keep the "leaders" on their toes and each task becomes something bigger than it was when it was just the leader trying to motivate or force their people to tow the line.



Okay, I'll stop for now. It's not complete. There are so many other things I could add as examples of what I mean. But for fear of going over the deep end again, I’ll stop.

An Anniversary Message

How lucky do you get to be in your lifetime?  Or is "luck" the word to use?  Whatever the case, however you interpret it, I feel that my life is a marvelous miraculous journey.  And one of the most incredible aspects of it is that I was born into such a wonderful family and had the benefit of growing up under what I call the epitome of good parenting.  And today marks the day of their 60th anniversary!
This one is for you, Mom and Dad.
When we were growing up, it wasn't just me and my sibs who found you so remarkable - all our friends envied us.  Everyone would say how great you were as parents, they even used adjectives like 'wise' and 'perfect' to describe you.  
And you're still going strong!  I love you for your zest for life.  I love you for your cheerful certainty that everything will fall into place.  I love you for showing me by your example how to see what needs to be done, and how to face things.  I love you for always letting me know that I'm loved and valued.  I love you for all the things you do for EVERYONE - how you just seem to KNOW how to say or do the right thing at the right time to make it all better...
I sometimes wonder how you stay so strong - who plays the role for you that you play so well for others?
I think it's your curiosity, your desire to know what else is going on, to try new things, to discover something remarkable every day.  It's also your sense of humor, being able to see the funny side of things and joke and kid around, and even laugh at yourselves.  And of course it's also your respect and appreciation for the beauty of life. 
And the best part of all the above is the way it is interwoven into the unique design of your partnership!  You go so well together, you create your own balance; you bring in the tide and send it back together with the benefit of all you know combined.
Dear Mom and Dad, I wish you all the best and send you all my love on this, your 60th anniversary!